Why I’ve Struggled To Be Vulnerable (And How I Work On It)
So as far as I can remember I’ve never been great at sharing how I feel with others. It doesn’t matter what type of emotion it is, happy, mad, sad, or any of the others, just showing how I feel is not something I did or do very well.
The first memory I have of struggling to voice how I feel was a group session with my mom. We were at one of her rehab classes and talking about how to talk about how actions impact how we feel. So as a bigger class, we were supposed to sit back to back with our loved ones and open up about how we truly feel, why certain actions they’ve done might have hurt us, and how we can work through it.
Let’s just say that I didn’t even make it to step one of that workshop… I just sat there, unwilling to open my mouth because to me why should anyone in that room hear what I’m feeling or thinking? A “real man” wouldn’t be so open to complete strangers and certainly wouldn’t express that things aren’t going well.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve continued to work on being more open about how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, and how I can take steps to work through or with those emotions and thoughts, but there have been two main barriers that I’ve built up that continue to push me away from being vulnerable.
They are two things that I believe a lot of people who struggle to be vulnerable deal with. The idea that vulnerability means weakness and the unwillingness to address the problem at hand.
Both of these have equally pushed me away from opening up in different ways and constantly are at the back of my head even if I start to be a bit more vulnerable, so where do you even start?
Vulnerability Means Weakness
I vividly remember where this was ingrained into my head (and this wasn’t the first time but a true reinforcement). We were at my mom’s high school having a family event for her and things were a bit tough for everyone. People were crying, sharing how they were actually feeling and the great memories they had with her.
Being a 15-year-old guy, I didn’t cry too much but for some reason, I started to (and looking back “some reason” was a very valid reason). That’s when an uncle of mine came up to give me a hug and said “This is your moment to be strong, to be a backbone for your family and to lead by example”.
Now as my 15-year-old self, I might have taken that a bit differently than how he wanted me to. To me, that meant wipe those tears away and show that you aren’t impacted by what happens, just like that pillar holding up a building, sturdy with no bend.
Looking back he likely meant it as just be there for anyone that needed it and to feel the emotion but know that it’s not everlasting. Well, we’ll chalk that one up to a poor interpretation by my 15-year-old self…
Now if you’ve had a similar thought about having to be strong and that being vulnerable means you’re weak, you aren’t alone but it’s definitely an area to work on because in my eyes these days, being vulnerable is one of the greater signs of strength because you’re willing to share when maybe it’s not the easiest time or topic.
How to work on being vulnerable part 1
For me, it breaks into two small parts.
Understand that judgement of others is more often in my own head than actually true.
That if you want to build a connection with someone, being vulnerable is more of a necessity than a want.
Let’s attack the judgement piece first.
We’ve all heard it, but most of what we think others are thinking about us is normally not the case. People are either too busy worrying about themselves that they don’t even care or even if they do have some judgement, it’ll likely last only a good 30 minutes or so. Nothing to sweat about.
Now it’s still not an easy part to get over, but by constantly reminding myself of these two things, I can start to calm the feeling that I’m being judged for sharing my emotions. And really, is it that big of a deal if I share how I feel from time to time?
Then onto the part that if you want to build a connection with someone, you’ll have to be willing to be vulnerable at times.
This has come into play for me a few times over the years, whether that’s in romantic relationships where my wall just instantly goes up at some point or friends and family that struggle to have deeper conversations with me because they know I won’t share how I truly feel.
Both have shown me that if I want to have those deeper connections opening up is something I need to do because otherwise, I can lose those relationships even when I don’t want to.
How to work on being vulnerable part 2
I’ve battled with how I can work on this piece for a while, but it constantly comes back to one thing. Good communication with the other person.
Asking them if they truly need to hear how I’m feeling in the moment or if it’s okay that I don’t share since it’s not that big of a deal this time. I’ve found that if I can have that bit of approval to share that my fear of sharing drops and it’s much easier for me to open up than if I’m on the edge of is it okay or not.
There are times when I need to get things off my chest and that just takes a few seconds of courage (and understanding that it’s probably for the best) to open up.
Unwillingness To Address The Problem At Hand
This one is a bit more simple to dissect and normally comes from just not wanting to actually work through the situation and be solution minded, but rather just wanting to see if it will pass on its own.
New’s flash, not many important conversations or situations will pass on their own. Something that I’ve had to learn but it’s true.
The longer you wait to address the problem, the harder it is to overcome, and more importantly the harder it is to be vulnerable because that wall has been built up more than you’d like.
When facing those times of needing to address a problem, you need to remind yourself that the earlier you do it, the easier it will be.
I remember a small problem I had in recent years where I was just constantly getting angry at small things that would happen. Is the living room a bit dirtier than normal? Tommy wasn’t pleased that day. Is the mail not getting grabbed immediately? Well, don’t talk to Tommy for a little bit.
The smallest things turned into bigger problems because I was unwilling to open up about what I was actually struggling with.
That wall continued to build making the conversation that needed to happen harder to go through with.
See the connection? The longer I waited, the more problems that came up, and the harder it was to have the conversation.
What I thought was going to be something extremely difficult to talk about, turned into a very easy and helpful chat that could’ve happened months earlier to avoid the constant problems.
Now at the end of the day, being vulnerable isn’t easy but I also don’t think it should be.
As they say, good things either take time, hard work, or both.
The way I break down being vulnerable is that it’s going to take both and should because to have those good relationships, you have to be willing to take the time needed to build them and the hard work of sharing how you feel, even when you don’t want to.
It’s a journey I’m not always happy to be on, but one that I know is worth it.
